by Butch Kelley
These notes are best when used in conjunction with the video of this message. Please
Click Here to watch the video on Letting Go of Anger.
Part 1: Are You Angry?
Ephesians 4:26-32
I. Anger can devastate marriages, separate children and parents, and poison other relationships. That’s why the apostle Paul encouraged believers to deal with anger quickly—before it could take a toll on their lives (Eph. 4:26-27). Let’s explore what the Bible says about this powerful emotion.
II. Anger Defined
A. Anger is a strong feeling of intense displeasure, hostility, or indignation that results from a real or imagined threat, insult, frustration, or injustice toward yourself or others important to you. B. There are three categories of anger.
1.) Rage: an explosive, uncontrolled expression of anger.
2.) Resentment: unexpressed anger. When people try to deny their hurts and frustrations, resentment is the result. This type of anger will destroy them from the inside out.
3.) Indignation: righteous anger about injustice, oppression, or an unholy situation. God’s anger falls into this category.
III. Anger in Scripture
A. The Old Testament books of wisdom provide some of the best verses on this subject.
Proverbs 16:32 says, “He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.”
Those who are slow to become angry may still feel upset, but they control their emotions rather than letting anger turn to rage. The Word of God also cautions us against associating with those whose lives are characterized by anger.
(Proverbs 22:24-25) says, “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.”
B. Anger plays an important role in many well-known Bible stories. The first person to become angry was likely Adam, who blamed Eve for their sin (Gen. 3:12). Cain, Moses, Saul, Jonah, and Peter are just a few others who were motivated by anger.
IV. Causes of Anger
• Not getting our way: Some people grow angry when they lose control of a situation.
• Feeling rejected: Being excluded, overlooked, or mistreated can stir up hostility.
• Loss: Losing what we cherish, or simply fearing that loss, can make us angry.
• Disappointment: Unmet expectations can lead to anger.
• Injustice: When we see people mistreated, we can become indignant on their behalf.
• Feeling inadequate: Comparing our life to the lives of others may upset us.
V. Good vs. Bad Anger
A. The Bible reveals God expressing holy anger.
1.) The Lord became angry with the Israelites for marrying foreign women. He knew that their wives would introduce the worship of pagan gods.
2.) Jesus angrily rebuked the Pharisees for their hypocrisy and unmerciful interpretations of God’s laws (Matt. 23:13-33; Mark 3:2-5). His indignation at their misuse of the temple led Him to turn over their tables and chase them from His Father’s house (Matt. 21:13-14).
B. You and I can have righteous anger when we become upset over the mistreatment of others or when we feel compelled to rectify an unholy situation. But most of our anger is wrongly motivated by self-interest. Unrighteous anger generally takes one of two forms.
• “Powder keg anger” is explosive. Anyone in its path, such as a spouse, is usually taken by surprise.
• “Crock pot anger” simmers and boils for a long time. Some people may be in complete denial about their stewing emotion or may take pride in possessing the ability to control their behavior. But denied anger is like a poison—spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
VI. A Five-fold Test for Anger:
Ask yourself these questions to see if you are harboring unrighteous anger:
- Is my anger directed toward another person? Try to identify the individual.
- Is it without a justifiable cause? If your anger is selfish, you need to repent, forgive that person, and move on.
- Am I seeking vengeance? If you have a desire to “get even,” or harm the other person in some way for a misdeed, you are not operating according to Scripture.
- Am I cherishing anger? You might resist surrendering your frustration to the Lord. Maybe on some level, you want to be upset. Unless you release it to God, however, you will be unable to experience the freedom He longs to give you.
- Do I have an unforgiving spirit? Perhaps you feel that you simply can’t lay down your anger. But with the Lord’s help, I’m confident you can.
Part 2: Consequences of Anger
Scripture: Ephesians 4:26-27
I. A Threefold Warning in Ephesians 4:26-27
A. First, we are to “be angry, and sin not.” In other words, don’t give in to rage and resentment towards another person.
B. Second, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” God does not want us to go to sleep at night without dealing with the hostility we felt that day.
C. Third, “Do not give the devil an opportunity.” Tragically, you and I sometimes become upset unnecessarily because we misunderstood another person’s comment.
II. The Consequences of Anger
A. To ourselves:
1. Anger breaks our fellowship with God. We can’t be at peace with the Lord while we are angry with another individual (Matt. 5:23-24).
2. Your relationships with other people will suffer. For example, a marriage will not thrive if one or both spouses become angry and refuse to address the problem.
3. You will develop a critical spirit. Bitter people often become judgmental in an effort to justify their negative feelings.
4. You will lack peace. Hostility makes you restless and robs you of joy.
5. Anger leads to emotional isolation. When people are wounded, they often try to protect themselves from further hurt by pushing others away.
6. Anger results in frustration and anxiety. You may expect betrayal or constantly question the motives of those who are kind to you.
7. It leaves you feeling empty. When we cut ourselves off from friendships in order to prevent further hurt, God allows us to feel lonely.
8. It can also cause you to become narrow in mind and heart. You begin to criticize and belittle others—perhaps through joking––but the barbs are real.
9. Anger sometimes manifests itself through chronic tardiness. By being late, people seek to demonstrate that no one can tell them what to do.
10. Hostility can make you disagreeable. If you have unresolved anger, it can make you argumentative with everyone, not just the person who offended you.
11. Anger can make you sloppy on the job. You may begin to justify failing to look your best, do your best, and be your best at work.
12. Anger can cause you to lose your enthusiasm. You may withdraw from social activities or lose your excitement for hobbies and passions.
13. Hostility, if left unchecked, results in procrastination. It diminishes your ability to concentrate, so you are less likely to complete tasks.
14. Anger can contribute to obesity, because people try to comfort themselves through food.
15. It also prevents genuine sexual intimacy in marriage.
B. To our health:
1. Unresolved, unrighteous anger increases your adrenalin level, heart rate, and blood pressure. Your mouth becomes dry and your hands get moist. Your stomach tenses and interrupts digestion, and blood rushes to supply your muscles with extra energy.
2. Chronic rage or resentment, over the long term, contributes to ulcers, hypertension, heart disease, heart attacks, and stroke. It results in crippling arthritis and severe depression. In short, every system of your body is affected. Initially, you may not feel these devastating effects of anger, but over time, they can ruin your health.
C. To other people:
1. Anger hurts those around us. Resentment separates close friendships and other relationships. It’s often a factor in divorce.
2. Rage can cause damage to the belongings of others. Sometimes it even results in physical harm or loss of innocent life.
D. To God:
1. Anger grieves the Lord. Hostility does not fit who we are as children of God.
2. It hinders His work. Those who harbor resentment are often not willing to obey His voice.
3. The Father will not pour out His full blessing on an angry person.
Part 3: How to Handle Anger
Scripture: Ephesians 4:29-32
I. How do people handle anger?
A. Repression: We deny that it exists.
B. Suppression: You and I recognize that anger is there, but we refuse to deal with it.
C. Harsh outbursts: Some individuals may make excuses for themselves, saying, “This is how God made me” or “I just have a short fuse.”
D. Self-control: The right response to anger is to exercise restraint through the power of the Holy Spirit.
II. How should we deal with anger?
A. Confess it. Denying your feelings will only cause you to stay angry longer. Whether or not you acknowledge the emotion, its poison will continue to affect you. By harboring anger, you will never know the fullness of peace and joy that a relationship with Jesus Christ can bring.
B. Identify the nature and source. If you don’t identify the root of the problem, you could lash out at someone who did nothing wrong. For instance, people who were abused by one of their parents sometimes resent all authority figures, including pastors.
C. Purpose to deal with it quickly. Satan wants you to dwell on your negative feelings so they will grow. But Scripture says to deal with your anger (Eph. 4:26-27). In some instances of extreme pain and suffering, you won’t be able to get rid of hostility before the sun sets. But you should acknowledge your feelings and decide to deal with them. You shouldn’t just accept rage as a natural response and allow it to become part of your life.
D. Do not sin. It is possible to get angry without sinning (Eph. 4:26). In fact, anger can motivate us to take necessary action or right a wrong. Consider the example Christ set for us (Matt. 21:13-14; Matt. 23:13-33; Mark 3:2-5).
E. Take a time out. Make a purposeful decision not to react quickly, because your first impulse will likely be an unwise one. Give the other person time to talk. Then you will be able to respond in a godly manner. You and I should strive to be “quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger”
(James 1:19; see also Ps. 103:8).
F. Clarify and analyze the situation. Has somebody hurt those who are mad at you? Are they frustrated, insecure, jealous, or fatigued? You can use similar questions to analyze your own feelings as well. Getting to the root of the conflict will help you know how to address it.
G. Deal with the problem. When anger is unchecked, it will turn into bitterness (Proverbs 30:33). So if you can’t get rid of this emotion immediately, make a commitment to seek healing.
H. Ventilate. Secular psychologists often recommend freely expressing negative feelings. But as believers, we must carefully consider how our words affect others. So I recommend venting to the Lord. Get on your knees in a private place and tell God exactly how you feel. He will begin to work in your heart and draw you toward forgiveness.
I. Put it away. Ephesians 4:31 says, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” We should “put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Col. 3:12). Both of these actions are possible only through the power of the Holy Spirit.
J. Replace it. Harness the energy that anger gives you. Use it to wax your car, hit golf balls at the driving range, or clean out a closet.
K. Determine the benefits. The positive side of anger is that it can motivate us to take constructive action, such as fixing problems. (See “D” above.)
L. Prevent a wrong response from recurring. We can’t always avoid antagonistic feelings, but we can control how we react to them. Decide ahead of time how you will act in challenging situations. Determine to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become upset. (See “E” above.)
M. Stay away from hostile people. Proverbs 22:24-25 says, “Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man, or you will learn his ways and find a snare for yourself.” Refrain from starting relationships with those who are constantly irritated.
Part 4: Anger and Forgiveness
Scripture: Ephesians 4:30-32
I. Introduction:
There is awesome power in forgiveness. It is God’s solution for bitterness, resentment, and hostility. You and I need the freedom found only through sincerely and completely forgiving others.
II. A Few Definitions
A. Anger is a strong feeling of intense displeasure, hostility, or indignation as a result of a real or imagined threat, insult, frustration, or injustice toward yourself or others important to you.
B. Forgiveness is giving up resentment (anger) against someone else, along with your right to get even, no matter what has been done to you.
C. Unforgiveness is the deliberate, willful refusal to give up one’s resentment and right to get even, based on the attitude that someone must pay for the wrong done.
III. Obstacles to Forgiveness:
A. Lack of desire: You don’t want to forgive.
B. Rehearsing what happened: Some people continue to dwell on the hurtful experience.
C. Pride: We may believe the other person should initiate reconciliation.
D. Fear: Some resist forgiving to avoid looking weak, being misunderstood, or feeling rejected.
E. Negative advice: Well-meaning friends don’t always offer godly counsel.
F. Partial forgiveness: People try to pick and choose which offenses can be pardoned.
G. Relying on emotions: Don’t make the mistake of waiting until you feel like forgiving.
H. Expecting quick results: Forgiveness can take time.
I. Justifying the other person’s actions: Some people will rationalize what happened so that they don’t have to forgive.
IV. Scriptural Teaching
A. Our fellowship with God suffers when we refuse to excuse others for their sins against us
(Matt. 6:14-15).
B. We should forgive over and over. In Matthew 18:22, Jesus tells Peter that he must forgive his brother “seventy times seven” times.
C. You and I must be willing to extend mercy towards those who sin against us, because God has forgiven each of us of so much (Matt. 18:23-35).
D. We must deliberately turn away from anger and malice (Eph. 4:31-32).
V. Important Reminders
1. As a believer, you have the responsibility to take the initiative in dealing with unforgiveness.
2. Forgiveness will not always be easy or quick. But you can’t allow it to take root in your life and turn into bitterness.
3. Forgiving is difficult because it is unselfish. It involves laying down strong feelings and rights while releasing the other person from his or her obligation to repay you.
4. You may never forgive if you wait until you “feel like it.”
5. Remember, forgiveness doesn’t always have to include going to the other person and confessing your resentment. Approach that individual only if the Lord directs you to do so.
VI. Steps to Dealing with Anger:
1. Acknowledge that you have been totally forgiven. God saved you by grace––not because you deserved it. He has freely offered His forgiveness your entire life.
2. Confess your anger to the Lord. Recognize that your attitude has not been right. Be specific in describing your hostility and resentment.
3. Recognize that unforgiveness is sin. Honestly admit that it is a violation of biblical principles.
4. Ask God to forgive you. You may also need to admit to the other person that your attitude towards him or her was wrong.
5. Lay down the anger. Through the power of the Holy Spirit and by an act of your will, choose to let it go.
VII. Helpful Guidance
A. God will reveal whether or not you need to confess your unforgiveness to the one who offended you. When that is the case, make sure you simply request forgiveness for your attitude without going into why he or she angered you.
B. If meeting in person is not possible, set two chairs facing each other. Sit in one and imagine the other individual sitting across from you. Then, confess your resentment. You can also use this technique to practice confessing a wrong attitude before attempting it in person.
VIII. How to Know You Have Forgiven:
A. The harsh emotions you’ve had towards others will be replaced by compassion.
B. You’ll be able to accept others without feeling bitter, even if they never change. You will try to understand why they acted the way they did.
C. You will feel thankful that God allowed the difficult experience to teach you more about the riches of His grace.
IX. Conclusion:
You and I don’t have to hold onto unforgiveness, bitterness, and resentment.
We can escape the chains of self-destruction that entangle those who refuse to show mercy. When the Holy Spirit reminds you of the people you need to forgive, I hope you won’t ignore His voice. It is my prayer that you bravely and wisely choose to deal with those feelings. My friend, allow God to set you free¬¬––you will never regret it. While suffering a horrible death on the cross, Jesus prayed, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Let’s follow His example and graciously forgive anyone who offends us. That way, you and I will be free to enjoy the abundant life God has planned for us.
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